All Over His Face

Dear Homo,    
Since gay guys are experts on "beards" I thought you could please explain Brad Pitt's to me. Thanks!
 
Rebecca in Denver

Dear RID,

Ah, yes: Gay men and beards go together like peaches and cream, like Dolce and Gabbana, like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. And yet I must confess, I am as stumped as you when it comes to that loathsome, scraggly mess taking over Brad Bitt's otherwise lovely face of late.

Homo is not a fan of facial hair in general -- or pubic hair for that matter -- or, most especially, facial hair that looks like pubic hair. And such scrub is particularly unsettling when sported by heavenly creatures such as Mr. Pitt. For him to grow and keep such a monstrosity is the facial equivalent of covering the Hope Diamond with dog poop. (And one suspects the aroma is similar.)

Unable to answer your question on my own, I turned to E! Online's Ted Casablanca, a k a the Homo Oracle. As luck would have it, Mr. Casablanca recently posted about this very topic on his blog, "The Awful Truth." He dispels the notion that Brad grew the beard in order to portray Col. Percy Harrison Fawcett in the upcoming film, "The Lost City of Z." The movie, Casablanca points out, is nowhere near ready to shoot. (There isn't even a script!)

Ted offers an alternate theory: That Brad could be following a well-known pattern in which people in unhappy relationships "stink themselves up." Now, Homo doesn't want to cast any aspersions on the union of Brad and his longtime companion, Angelina Jolie, especially since they (Brad and Angie) recently sued Britain's News of the World for just such an aspersion, and he (Homo) does not currently have a pot to piss in.

But hypothetically speaking, it would make sense for Brad to make his kisser as unkissable as possible if he wishes not to be kissed by she who regularly kisses his kisser. If you follow me. Let's hope that whatever the case may be, Brad's delicious visage is soon returned to its former clean-shaven glory.

I hope this helps.

High on a Hill Was a Lonely Goatee,
Homo