Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Bear Hunting

Dear Homo:

The bear movement is rising! From one homo with a bad gaydar  to another homo with probably an awesome gaydar, NOW how do we spot the homo in a room????  Help a brother out.

Signed,
Bearbacked Mountain

Dear BBM:

First, sincere thanks. Much like a bear in the wintertime, Homo has been hibernating for sometime now -- mostly because nobody has asked him a question in over a year. But as you have reached out to Homo in your time of need, he'll do his best to offer you sincere and wise counsel.

First, I must take issue with your syntax. One doesn't have a gaydar. Gaydar is one of those nouns that cannot be quantified, such as "balance" or "crabs." One simply has these things or doesn't. As for your assumption that my gaydar is "awesome," I confess I am somewhat flattered. In truth I'd give mine a B+ a best. After all, I spent nearly two years in my college fraternity before discovering that the hottest, most muscular brother in the place was a fellow 'mo... and that was only after I haphazardly bumped into him at a gay bar in Saugatuck, Michigan. But this is a story for another time.

Now to the issue at hand: If I'm understanding you correctly, what you're asking is, with so many gay men adopting the "bear" look -- natural body type, facial hair, comfortable clothing, a refusal to pluck, shave, wax or depilate -- how does one differentiate such creatures from straight men, for whom such practices have long been the norm?

Straight or gay? Who can say?

Curiously, I dealt with a similar theme in an entirely different way after a straight, female reader wrote in to bemoan the "fact" that straight men don't take care of their abs the way gay guys do. I gently corrected said reader, informing her that although there were once fairly easy ways for Friends of Dorothy to spot one another, much like Dr. Suess's star-bellied Sneetches, the times, they have a-changed. Not only has the bear movement, as you call it, taken off, along with that of numerous other gay sub-species, but straight men have adopted many traditionally gay lifestyle and grooming habits. Everything about Ryan Secrest, for example, simply screams power-bottom, and yet we know from his hot and heavy, absolutely non-fabricated relationships with such lovely ladies as Teri Hatcher and Julianne Hough that he is 100 percent hetero.

So to paraphrase your question, how, indeed, do we spot the pink elephant in the room?

The sad truth is, we can't. At least not all the time. But there are some clues to watch for, chief among them being eye contact. Yes, eye-contact. Good old-fashioned, low-tech, ageless, universal eye contact.

Simply stated, straight guys tend not to look at one another unless it's absolutely necessary. I know this from extensive experience and experimentation. I once stared at a straight guy for over two hours non-stop in an airport terminal from five feet away... and he did not look up from his Wall Street Journal a single time. Not even to check me out to decide whether or not he was interested.

THAT'S a straight guy.

But gay guys will look... and look... and look again. And it doesn't matter if we're bears or twinks or drag queens or Republican senators. If a guy is checking us out, we'll check right back.

And if you're still not sure, strike up a conversation. If he's bright, polite, articulate and has a good sense of humor, chances are he's gay.

Don't shit in the woods,
Homo