Too Much Information

Dear Homo:

I have a daughter who since childhood tells me everything. When she was a kid this was terrific. I knew all her inner thoughts and was in touch with what was going on with her. I could give her advice and help guide her.  My friends envied our realtionship and I felt that I had a great child and I must be an excellent mother.

All this came to haunt me in the end.  My daughter feels so comfortable with me that she tells me things now that she is a young woman that I no longer feel comfortable hearing. I knew I was in trouble the night she saw me and told me she had just lost her virginity. I was a secret smoker up until then and just took one out and lit it, hoping somehow to keep my head from exploding. I told myself at the time that I should be flattered that she feels so safe and comfortable with me.
 
She is now 22 and I have had to endure stories of her sexual response, a boyfriend's impotence, a regretful one-night-stand or two and an attempted date rape. I drew the line and refused to discuss any questions about my own sex life, at least keeping my boundry intact.   

Here's my question: I know I should tell her that I don't feel comfortable knowing all of this. Yet part of me likes knowing her business. Part of me wants her to tell me. At this point I just listen, because I don't approve of a lot of what she's doing. In my gut I know I have to stop having her tell me far too much. Or do I ???

Signed,
Don't Tell Mama

Dear DTM:

Thank you for being the first to write me. Your letter reminds me of an old "Oprah" episode I watched years ago. Oprah had as her guest an etiquette expert who was answering questions from the audience about how to deal with various awkward situations. One person asked, "What do I do when someone just won't stop talking?"

And here Oprah chimed in. "Oh, this happens to me a lot to me," she said. "You know what I say to people like that? I say, 'You're telling me more than I need to know.'"

I remember thinking, "Wow, Oprah's kind of a cunt."

Your daughter is telling you more than you need to know, but your issue with her isn't really one of etiquette; it's one of boundaries. You said as much when you wrote, "keeping my boundary intact."

Negotiating boundaries is difficult in any relationship, but it's particularly hard in families. Families are constantly evolving, and no two family members have the same relationship. I have one sister to whom I would tell just about anything regarding my sex life, whereas my other sister would probably run screaming from the room as soon as I said the word "lube." And my parents? Just the thought of talking about sex with them is enough to make my balls shrivel up.

Because we do have that boundary, and it's a strong one. My mom wants to know everything that goes on in my life... until it reaches the bedroom door. Then she wants to be Helen Keller. And I want her to be.

You write, "Part of me likes knowing her business." Yes, the maternal part of you likes knowing what your child is up to. That's a normal and healthy desire. But that doesn't mean you want to know exactly how big her boyfriend's dick is. (That's actually something I want to know.) Seriously: That's the sort of information that is appropriate for her to share with her peers -- not her mother.

It's amazing and wonderful that your daughter feels comfortable and trusting enough with you to share so much. But she's over-sharing, and you need to let her know that -- perhaps less cuntily than Oprah, but still clearly and firmly. The next time she starts in on the all-too-juicy details, you should simply say, "Sweetie, you don't need to tell me that part." If she asks why, be honest: "Because it makes me uncomfortable."

She may be an adult now, but you're still the parent, and she apparently still needs you to set that boundary. In the long run, drawing such lines will be healthier not only for you, but also for her as she goes about forming new relationships and ultimately starting a family of her own.

I hope this helps.

Sharing is scaring,
Homo