All Over His Face

Dear Homo,    
Since gay guys are experts on "beards" I thought you could please explain Brad Pitt's to me. Thanks!
 
Rebecca in Denver

Dear RID,

Ah, yes: Gay men and beards go together like peaches and cream, like Dolce and Gabbana, like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. And yet I must confess, I am as stumped as you when it comes to that loathsome, scraggly mess taking over Brad Bitt's otherwise lovely face of late.

Homo is not a fan of facial hair in general -- or pubic hair for that matter -- or, most especially, facial hair that looks like pubic hair. And such scrub is particularly unsettling when sported by heavenly creatures such as Mr. Pitt. For him to grow and keep such a monstrosity is the facial equivalent of covering the Hope Diamond with dog poop. (And one suspects the aroma is similar.)

Unable to answer your question on my own, I turned to E! Online's Ted Casablanca, a k a the Homo Oracle. As luck would have it, Mr. Casablanca recently posted about this very topic on his blog, "The Awful Truth." He dispels the notion that Brad grew the beard in order to portray Col. Percy Harrison Fawcett in the upcoming film, "The Lost City of Z." The movie, Casablanca points out, is nowhere near ready to shoot. (There isn't even a script!)

Ted offers an alternate theory: That Brad could be following a well-known pattern in which people in unhappy relationships "stink themselves up." Now, Homo doesn't want to cast any aspersions on the union of Brad and his longtime companion, Angelina Jolie, especially since they (Brad and Angie) recently sued Britain's News of the World for just such an aspersion, and he (Homo) does not currently have a pot to piss in.

But hypothetically speaking, it would make sense for Brad to make his kisser as unkissable as possible if he wishes not to be kissed by she who regularly kisses his kisser. If you follow me. Let's hope that whatever the case may be, Brad's delicious visage is soon returned to its former clean-shaven glory.

I hope this helps.

High on a Hill Was a Lonely Goatee,
Homo

Don't You Want Me, Baby?

Dear Homo (or may I call you "Mo?"),

I went out with a really great guy a few days ago (a first date). We had a dinner that lasted almost two hours because we had great conversation and got to know more about each other. We then came back to my house and continued talking about various likes/dislikes, etc. Everything remained on a non-sexual level, but the conversation seemed to flow very well, and we both seemed interested in learning more about the other person. It was getting late, and we both had to be at work early the next day. 

As he left, we had a nice good-night kiss, and I stated I would really like to get together again sometime. He responded, "Sure, let's get together again". 

Since then, he has initiated no communication. He has responded to text messages that have gone back and forth with, but he has not called me back. We both have rather demanding and busy jobs, so it's not like I expected him to call the next morning and want to go out that next night. But it has been well over a week, and I'm starting to sense he "is just not that into me." So the question is, should I just ask if he actually is interested in getting together again, or should I accept his apparent lack of interest and move on?
 
Signed,
Homo Alone

Dear HA,

Sure -- call me "Mo." I'm sure I have at least one Jewish great-uncle by that name.

The obvious point of reference here (and it seems to be on your mind already) is the classic "He's Just Not That Into You" episode of "Sex and the City," the theme of which was eventually turned into a best-selling self-help book and a hit chick-flick so absurd that it actually ended with Jennifer Aniston happily married. (It would have been more believable had she turned into a Transformer.)

To briefly recap the original premise: Miranda goes on what she thinks is a good date, which ends with the guy turning down an invitation to come up to her apartment. She expects the guy to call and is perplexed when he doesn't. When she recounts this story to Carrie and her new boyfriend, Berger, he proclaims, "He's just not that into you."

"If he's into you," Berger explains, "he's coming up, meeting or no meeting. He's booking the next date."

 

But HA, your situation is a bit different, as the guy DID come back to your house after dinner. Actually, it's another episode of SATC altogether that your date calls to mind: "Are We Sluts?"

In that one, you may recall, Carrie wonders why Aidan, whom she's been dating for a week and a half, won't have sex with her. Samantha warns Carrie that if she doesn't get Aidan into bed soon, she'll wind up in the dreaded "friend zone," in which Aidan will never regard her as a sexual being.

When it comes to gay men, HA, my personal answer to Carrie's question is: "Yes; we are sluts." 

Which is not to say that two gay men can't go on a first date without winding up in the sack (or the sac). But if I am truly attracted to a guy, and he is attracted to me, and we go on a good date together, things are not going to remain on a "non-sexual level" for very long. There's a palpable hunger for the other person that usually leads to a lot of sweaty groping or more. At the very least, I'm going to try for more than just a "nice good-night kiss," and I'm definitely going to plan a future sexcapade.

To be completely honest, it seems like you entered the friend zone immediately and that perhaps you and your date learned too much about each other too soon. Talking about your likes and dislikes doesn't sound romantic or flirtatious or sexy to me; it sounds like the kind of conversation one has with a coworker. 

"Oh, you got beets in your salad? I hate beets."

"Really? I LOVE beets!"

Stop, I'm getting hard.

Should you ask if he's interested in getting together again? Sure -- it's never a bad idea to put it out there, express yourself honestly and ask for an honest answer. But be prepared for the fact that you may have already gotten his answer. The bottom line is, men pursue the ones we want and don't pursue the ones we don't. Which may not be as catchy a phrase as "He's Just Not That Into You," but that's why SATC writer Greg Behrendt wound up with his own talk show and I'm writing a blog that's read by five people.

I hope this helps.

Manolos forever,
Homo

No Soup For You!

Dear Homo:
 
If your soup is cold, are you stuck with it, or do you ask the waiter to heat it up and trust no monkey business? Or am I being paranoid? Also, if the waiter disappears for most of the service so you never had a chance to order another drink or get more rolls, etc., is ten percent generous?

Signed,
Soup's On

Dear SO:

The issues you raise here are near and dear to my heart because I myself have worked as a waiter and bartender over the years. If you've never done it, I'm here to tell you that food service is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Truly. Any C-student jackass party-boy can advance to the White House (see Bush, George W.) but it takes a truly smart cookie to make a good waiter.

With those biases in mind, here's my take on your cold soup conundrum:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with sending back food when it's not prepared to your liking. You're paying good money for that soup; it should arrive nice and hot. (Unless it's vichyssoise or gazpacho, in which case sending it back will make you look dumber than W.)

But the key here is attitude. The waiter didn't prepare the soup, so it's almost never his fault when it arrives cold. Given that, when you send the soup back, show some respect and civility: "Excuse me, Sir? I hate to trouble you, but my soup is really cold. Do you think you could have the chef heat it up for me?"

I guarantee you that unless he's a total psycho, the waiter will do nothing more than apologize profusely and bring you new soup, without any kind of monkey business. (And honestly, even when customers were hideous toward me, I never fouled anyone's food or beverage. It's a really sick thing to do, and I valued my job too much in any case.)

As for the second part of your query, whether a ten percent tip is "generous" for inattentive service: No. Ten percent is never generous. But such a meager tip (or no tip at all) may be justified in certain circumstances.

Always ask yourself this: Did the waiter make a sincere effort to provide you with good service? Because maybe he did, and maybe the problem was that the restaurant was severely understaffed, and your waiter was forced to juggle too many tables. Try to assess the situation fairly, and tip accordingly.

My own rule of thumb is as follows: Good service gets a 20 percent tip. Adequate service gets 15 percent. Shitty service gets 10. And if the waiter was downright hostile, or if my soup arrived garnished with a giant loogey, no tip for you.

I hope this helps.

Just put the tip in,
Homo

Too Much Information

Dear Homo:

I have a daughter who since childhood tells me everything. When she was a kid this was terrific. I knew all her inner thoughts and was in touch with what was going on with her. I could give her advice and help guide her.  My friends envied our realtionship and I felt that I had a great child and I must be an excellent mother.

All this came to haunt me in the end.  My daughter feels so comfortable with me that she tells me things now that she is a young woman that I no longer feel comfortable hearing. I knew I was in trouble the night she saw me and told me she had just lost her virginity. I was a secret smoker up until then and just took one out and lit it, hoping somehow to keep my head from exploding. I told myself at the time that I should be flattered that she feels so safe and comfortable with me.
 
She is now 22 and I have had to endure stories of her sexual response, a boyfriend's impotence, a regretful one-night-stand or two and an attempted date rape. I drew the line and refused to discuss any questions about my own sex life, at least keeping my boundry intact.   

Here's my question: I know I should tell her that I don't feel comfortable knowing all of this. Yet part of me likes knowing her business. Part of me wants her to tell me. At this point I just listen, because I don't approve of a lot of what she's doing. In my gut I know I have to stop having her tell me far too much. Or do I ???

Signed,
Don't Tell Mama

Dear DTM:

Thank you for being the first to write me. Your letter reminds me of an old "Oprah" episode I watched years ago. Oprah had as her guest an etiquette expert who was answering questions from the audience about how to deal with various awkward situations. One person asked, "What do I do when someone just won't stop talking?"

And here Oprah chimed in. "Oh, this happens to me a lot to me," she said. "You know what I say to people like that? I say, 'You're telling me more than I need to know.'"

I remember thinking, "Wow, Oprah's kind of a cunt."

Your daughter is telling you more than you need to know, but your issue with her isn't really one of etiquette; it's one of boundaries. You said as much when you wrote, "keeping my boundary intact."

Negotiating boundaries is difficult in any relationship, but it's particularly hard in families. Families are constantly evolving, and no two family members have the same relationship. I have one sister to whom I would tell just about anything regarding my sex life, whereas my other sister would probably run screaming from the room as soon as I said the word "lube." And my parents? Just the thought of talking about sex with them is enough to make my balls shrivel up.

Because we do have that boundary, and it's a strong one. My mom wants to know everything that goes on in my life... until it reaches the bedroom door. Then she wants to be Helen Keller. And I want her to be.

You write, "Part of me likes knowing her business." Yes, the maternal part of you likes knowing what your child is up to. That's a normal and healthy desire. But that doesn't mean you want to know exactly how big her boyfriend's dick is. (That's actually something I want to know.) Seriously: That's the sort of information that is appropriate for her to share with her peers -- not her mother.

It's amazing and wonderful that your daughter feels comfortable and trusting enough with you to share so much. But she's over-sharing, and you need to let her know that -- perhaps less cuntily than Oprah, but still clearly and firmly. The next time she starts in on the all-too-juicy details, you should simply say, "Sweetie, you don't need to tell me that part." If she asks why, be honest: "Because it makes me uncomfortable."

She may be an adult now, but you're still the parent, and she apparently still needs you to set that boundary. In the long run, drawing such lines will be healthier not only for you, but also for her as she goes about forming new relationships and ultimately starting a family of her own.

I hope this helps.

Sharing is scaring,
Homo

Ask a Homo - Introduction

People often ask me for advice; I'm not sure why. But they seem to think I'm good at giving it. Or maybe they just sense that I am completely non-judgmental when it comes to the habits, lifestyles, foibles and filthy sexual secrets of others. And that I'll give them the most honest, objective answers I know how.

In any case, I figured what the hell, I might as well create an advice blog and see if I could parlay this little hobby of mine into a new vocation, and perhaps help some people along the way.

A few disclaimers:

Although I have an undergraduate degree in psychology, I am in no way a licensed or qualified mental health professional. I'm just a 30-something gay dude living in New York City who's had a lot of different life experiences. Nor am I a medical doctor. I'll happily give you the best advice I can, but you should consult a licensed professional for any serious or potentially life-threatening issues and take everything I tell you with a grain of salt.

You should know that anything you share with me will be kept in strictest confidence and reprinted on the blog anonymously. I will never share your email address or any other identifying information with anyone (except in the unlikely event that I am required to do so by law enforcement).

I will try to respond to as many emails as possible, and all responses will appear on this blog only.

You can submit all your questions by clicking here.

So who's first?